This blog entry is from my writing exercise this morning that I’d like to share with you. I was asked to write about fear and explore where it takes me. So here it goes…
Fear is an invisible energy that we use to block our desires and expression. Fear is a hideout for most of us. Fear is usually associated with a circumstance that has not happened yet, therefore it resides in the head and it stays there until we decide to materialize it or forget about it.
I take myself as an example, I use my imagination to visit the future, and in doing so, I create desires and ideas in my head, I imagine the life that I want, the places I want to go, the house I want to live in, how many kids we’re having, etc. Then my dark side emerges, and all of a sudden my thoughts are dominated with fearful ideas and I just doubt the hell out of everything.
Fear is easily controlled by its creator. The creator is us. We’ve given fear so much power through the years that we let it control us. Take a nonsense propaganda from 2008 that screams FEAR for example like the Propaganda 8 in California that bans same-sex couples from marrying. I mean, suddenly the government cares about an individual’s choice of spouse? They get to tell people, “Nope, sorry! It’s unconstitutional to marry a man to a man, or a woman to a woman! Perhaps try Sweden!” They can’t keep telling us what we can and can’t do. Not now, not ever. What is the fear behind this propaganda? That same sex couples will be happily living their life and that’s not good enough? Love is the higher law. Fools.
We feed fear with fear. We put fearful ideas on top of a fearful idea. The majority is asleep to this.
Sometimes our reaction to fear is worse than the actual fear itself. We have the ability and the choice to not be in a fearful place by becoming aware of what we are doing. When we are aware, we see our truth, we see our choices. We are no longer victims. I will borrow my husband’s mantra: This moment matters. If you know that this moment matters to you, won’t you do the best you can to make your experience worthwhile?
Look at how many of us are living (and eating) unconsciously…I was one not so long ago.
The year 2009 was the most miserable year of my entire life. I felt so alone, angry, and most of all misunderstood (pretty similar to how I felt when I was a teenager). It hit me hard.
Once the alarm goes off in the morning, I wake up and so does my inner chatter, reminding me of my fears.
Is this really it? Is my life going to be a series of repetitions? Why aren’t changes happening in my life? Why can’t anyone see me? I just want to scream. It’s so loud in here… How do I get out of here? Why am I attracting these men who are rude and has psychotic tendencies? What if I get fired? Then no one will hire me? Why am I here? Where is God in all of this?
And it goes on and on and on.
I feared so much. It’s so depressing. I began turning to food for comfort.
Food pacified a lot of the emotions that I felt at that time. I was not aware of the price I had to pay so I ate and ate and ate my way to depression town. I stashed food everywhere…at my desk, in my car, in the bedroom, in my purse and when I didn’t, I’d just go to a restaurant. Then the signs (which I ignored) that my health was declining started to surface. By the end of workday, I would feel really shitty. I can’t think clear. My energy level is low. I would easily catch a cold. I was given more signs that my body is suffering. By this time, I was scared shitless and didn’t know what to do. I had aches allover my back and I was gaining so much weight. I gained 50 lbs. in a course of a year. I didn’t care whether I was eating for one or eating for three people! I got to a point where I avoided looking at myself in the mirror.
I didn’t realize how I was already living my fear until I met my dear friend, Arwine.
Hearing him talk about how he takes care and honor his body has had me questioning my lifestyle.
Arwine woke me up to what was happening to my body. He helped me see myself again, and when I did, I knew I had to start taking good care of myself (because If I don’t, no one will!!!). He invited me to get fit with him every night at a close by 24-hour fitness gym. I had a hard time getting used to my new after-work routine (also learning how to use the equipments properly was a little challenging!) but Arwine kept showing up in places where I needed someone to be there for me and that kept me inspired and motivated. I started to watch what I eat coupled with having a regular exercise routine at the gym. 6 months later, I was back in shape (I lost 50 lbs.), I had no more aches, and I felt really good about my life.
It was simple, I wanted it to work out, and it did.
So yes, it pays to show up in your life!!!
And yes, choose DESIRES over FEARS. Always.
You are loved,
You are appreciated,
You are here,
You deserve to have a good life!