Death

Death.

Is life just a side effect of death? Is death just a side effect of the life cycle?

Whenever I think about my time to die I go to a place where I tell myself that I am happy, I have found my soulmate, I can go peacefully.
Silently my ego interrupts with a question of, “but are you ready?” An immediate no is my answer. At least not yet. I’ve got plans and dreams to tend to.

Death is something I was taught to fear when I was little. I would be chastised by the elders in our province back in the Philippines if they could hear me now (or if they read this blog). You see, I grew up in a culture where death is something you don’t talk about or even think about. It is believed that if you do, it’s as if you are drawing your own “demise” closer and closer, resulting to death claiming you earlier than it should. It is very similar to the “Boogeyman” in this culture or uttering the name “Bloody Mary” five times (and she will come to take your life). It is very urban legend-ish. I guess that belief in my culture is the elders’ way of protecting us from the truth. God Bless them. Really.

I came into this world less than three decades ago. I’ve only become conscious of my own journey about two years ago. I can’t deny the obvious that the physical journey stops when death happens. It is the inevitable. Death is a commitment I made before I was even born. You know this. You made it too.

Now I realize that the only thing I fear about death is to die unhappy or my last words to be, “how could you.” All the efforts of finding ourselves and doing things to make like worthwhile leads to that destination, death.

I consider both life and death to be equally precious. The only difference is that the latter is a surprise. No one has ever mapped that place. To die is fully jumping into the unknown.
It does make me wonder if we will be in another beautiful cycle like this…with give or take a hundred years to experience it, feeling the flow of the air’s magic course through our mystical existence, seeing rainbows and splashes of colors everywhere we go, feeling different textures and sensations, finding comfort in warmth, seeking pleasures in little pockets and wonders of our every day, saying I love yous to one another, or being with sadness when something or someone we hold dear meets its end. Perhaps it will be as beautiful…or perhaps it will be darkness…or even nothingness. Perhaps none of the above.

Life is a transition to death. Death is a transition to ____________. Everything is always in transition. Isn’t it? Look around you, almost everything that belongs to life is in a cycle. How many birthdays have you had? How are you different in your life this year than your life last year? However big or small the changes you’ve actually noted and continue to notice, you are in transit towards the byproducts of the choices you make while you are alive.

Showing up to my life to make my own choices matter. I’ve decided to help my story unfold by constantly creating experiences guided by my pursuit of happiness. I don’t always feel like I am succeeding but I know that stories don’t unfold by doing nothing. I am choosing to honor my death by consciously honoring my life.

Let It Be: Breaking-free From Expectations

We are always in transition. If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.
-Trungpa Rinpoche

Over the past week, I’ve been observing my own process of letting go of the expectations that I have of myself and everything else around me.

I remember the moment when I decided to begin the journey of seeking my spirit, I was really excited to break free from the routine of having to be somewhere for 8 hours. I created a line-up of the things that I have “expected” to get into which for the last 3 months has kept me occupied. I’ve always had an attitude of creating challenges in my path and of doing things just for the sake of entertaining the part of me that fears to be empty.

I go into cycles of disappointment and redemption doing these things, these so-called challenges that I have put up for myself. In my head I already have expectations of doing so well, that everything I do will be perfect. I get hurt when it doesn’t turn out the way I expected things to be or when things are not done in a specific way a.k.a “my way”.

I started feeling how my expectations are beginning to suck the joy out of me. I am becoming the victim of my actions. I was trapped in my own trap of expectations. Everything was getting so shaky. I fear being empty. I fear not doing anything. I fear not knowing. At the same time, I was also beginning to fear that I am once again doing things that I don’t want to do.

It was in a recent conversation with my husband, Scott, that opened my eyes to the truth that I am using my imagination to get stuck instead of using it to create possibilities. I can turn things around by using the imagination in a way that benefits my well-being, TO CREATE POSSIBILITES.

It is so easy to create our own suffering, it is so easy to cause our own pain.

The things that we run in our imagination doesn’t turn out the same version as it is in our reality. This will always be the truth. Reality is its own version. Reality is the course of the present moment,

In healing myself from this experience, I must always remind myself that,

I am choosing to let go of my fears, first by no longer masking them,

I am embracing my fears by trusting my experience of the present moment,

I am allowing the journey to take me where I need to be,

I take responsibility of my well-being,

I express,

I enjoy,

I stop when it’s no longer fun,

I am fully trusting myself,

I am bestowing loving kindness upon myself by being very honest with everything,

I am practicing compassion, compassion, compassion towards myself and all beings around me, especially in annoying situations.

I see my being as open-ended,

I am loving and respecting myself by accepting and embracing who I am right now.

Yoga In My Life

Yoga is art.

Yoga is a practice that requires presence with each breath as the guide.

Yoga is an instrument of wholeness, an instrument of returning to one, an instrument of returning home.

Yoga is an instrument of leading us back to our center.

Based on my studies of the 12-Chakra System (The Complete Book of Chakra Healing, Cyndi Dale), yoga is recommended as a soothing exercise for the 2nd chakra which is located in our abdomen. The 2nd chakra is known to be the center of our feelings and creativity. It houses our feelings and our awareness of those feelings (Cyndi defines feelings as the language of the body). This chakra is linked to the intestines, abdominal organs, and female reproductive system. It is mentioned that this center/chakra is particularly important to women because it is believed to be the location of the body wherein most of their life energy is stored. Yoga helps in nurturing the 2nd chakra by allowing the life energy to flow in the body, and this flow enables us to be more expressive and creative.

I am enjoying the practice of yoga and learning the discipline of each asanas (yoga postures) through the help of an instructional book written by Shakta Kaur Khalsa. Yoga is one of the gifts that only I can give to my body, the gift of being present with it, stretching it, and supplying it with life energy as I go from one pose to another. I finish feeling relaxed and my body tension gone. I recommend her work to women of all ages, it is a harmonious blend of Hatha and Kundalini yoga which if I were to describe it in one word, I would choose the word graceful. It is never too early or too late to start practicing yoga and experience the joy and goodness of the life energy.

Not A Victim

Reblogged from Scott’s Journey:

Pain makes the mind do strange things. In the worst of times, I would blame God or the Universe for this pain. I would curse and use every nasty word, phrase, and imagery I could to express anger and frustration. I hated whoever did this to me and my mind wanted someone or something to blame.

And it couldn’t be circumstance or chance. It had to be some entity. Sometimes it could be myself, but usually it had to be other than myself. I realize now that it had to be that way in order to play out the victim and perpetrator scenario.

I recently read “You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh. He speaks of the practices of breathing in and acknowledging the body, then breathing out and smiling on the body. I began doing that with my pain. I acknowledged the pain in my feet. I told them I’m sorry and that I know they’re hurting and that I love them. And that I’m going to take care of them.

In doing so, I didn’t feel any anger, rage, or frustration. There was no perpetrator, so there couldn’t be a victim. I was in control of my life. Not that I was controlling and choosing outcomes. I was simply present to the very moment and situation without disturbing thoughts.

I didn’t feel detached. I was fully there with the pain and my being. The pain wasn’t me. My body wasn’t me. But I was there for both of them.

I began doing the same thing where my ego shows up in other places. Getting angry with traffic. Saying, yes, I know you’re not happy with traffic and you don’t care much for people right now. I’m with you. The anger disappeared.

It’s the light of consciousness shining onto whatever is happening in my life. Without me becoming attached to thoughts, physical pain, my opinions. And without becoming detached, but showing love and compassion for whatever shows up.