Let It Be: Breaking-free From Expectations

We are always in transition. If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.
-Trungpa Rinpoche

Over the past week, I’ve been observing my own process of letting go of the expectations that I have of myself and everything else around me.

I remember the moment when I decided to begin the journey of seeking my spirit, I was really excited to break free from the routine of having to be somewhere for 8 hours. I created a line-up of the things that I have “expected” to get into which for the last 3 months has kept me occupied. I’ve always had an attitude of creating challenges in my path and of doing things just for the sake of entertaining the part of me that fears to be empty.

I go into cycles of disappointment and redemption doing these things, these so-called challenges that I have put up for myself. In my head I already have expectations of doing so well, that everything I do will be perfect. I get hurt when it doesn’t turn out the way I expected things to be or when things are not done in a specific way a.k.a “my way”.

I started feeling how my expectations are beginning to suck the joy out of me. I am becoming the victim of my actions. I was trapped in my own trap of expectations. Everything was getting so shaky. I fear being empty. I fear not doing anything. I fear not knowing. At the same time, I was also beginning to fear that I am once again doing things that I don’t want to do.

It was in a recent conversation with my husband, Scott, that opened my eyes to the truth that I am using my imagination to get stuck instead of using it to create possibilities. I can turn things around by using the imagination in a way that benefits my well-being, TO CREATE POSSIBILITES.

It is so easy to create our own suffering, it is so easy to cause our own pain.

The things that we run in our imagination doesn’t turn out the same version as it is in our reality. This will always be the truth. Reality is its own version. Reality is the course of the present moment,

In healing myself from this experience, I must always remind myself that,

I am choosing to let go of my fears, first by no longer masking them,

I am embracing my fears by trusting my experience of the present moment,

I am allowing the journey to take me where I need to be,

I take responsibility of my well-being,

I express,

I enjoy,

I stop when it’s no longer fun,

I am fully trusting myself,

I am bestowing loving kindness upon myself by being very honest with everything,

I am practicing compassion, compassion, compassion towards myself and all beings around me, especially in annoying situations.

I see my being as open-ended,

I am loving and respecting myself by accepting and embracing who I am right now.

Not A Victim

Reblogged from Scott’s Journey:

Pain makes the mind do strange things. In the worst of times, I would blame God or the Universe for this pain. I would curse and use every nasty word, phrase, and imagery I could to express anger and frustration. I hated whoever did this to me and my mind wanted someone or something to blame.

And it couldn’t be circumstance or chance. It had to be some entity. Sometimes it could be myself, but usually it had to be other than myself. I realize now that it had to be that way in order to play out the victim and perpetrator scenario.

I recently read “You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh. He speaks of the practices of breathing in and acknowledging the body, then breathing out and smiling on the body. I began doing that with my pain. I acknowledged the pain in my feet. I told them I’m sorry and that I know they’re hurting and that I love them. And that I’m going to take care of them.

In doing so, I didn’t feel any anger, rage, or frustration. There was no perpetrator, so there couldn’t be a victim. I was in control of my life. Not that I was controlling and choosing outcomes. I was simply present to the very moment and situation without disturbing thoughts.

I didn’t feel detached. I was fully there with the pain and my being. The pain wasn’t me. My body wasn’t me. But I was there for both of them.

I began doing the same thing where my ego shows up in other places. Getting angry with traffic. Saying, yes, I know you’re not happy with traffic and you don’t care much for people right now. I’m with you. The anger disappeared.

It’s the light of consciousness shining onto whatever is happening in my life. Without me becoming attached to thoughts, physical pain, my opinions. And without becoming detached, but showing love and compassion for whatever shows up.

Leaving my old mantra of “Being Broken”

I spent almost my entire life thinking that I am broken (or that a part of me needs to be fixed). I feel residues of shame from my childhood come up every now and then. That somehow if something can be changed in the past, it would make a huge difference in my present. My thoughts get very dark sometimes but I can handle it.

Last night I realized that this is false. I am not broken. I just spend too much time believing the thought of being broken that I built a wall between myself and my experience of reality that often times hinder my ability to express my presence.

During a recent conversation with my husband about the way I produce sound when playing the piano or the violin, he said he noticed that there is a moment of retreat in claiming to be good at it. My violin teacher said the same thing to me today.

This is true, it happens. I get into the flow of the music until I start to get in my head about it. I panic. Then I lose focus on the notes and begin to stumble my way through the piece. Then I stop. It feels like a perpetual cycle of dissatisfaction with myself and it needs to change. My inner work is to learn how to get present when I panic and remind myself that I am good at this. I am good and I can refocus on playing because it is what I love to do. It’s one of the many things I love the most, making music.

I am grateful for meditation. I am reconquering my kingdom. I sat and meditated on this subject that I am dealing with:

“Breathing in, I know I am breathing in,
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
I play music with my hands of love,
I am in the now and I am healing my wounds.”

Happy Friday!!!

With much love. Always.

Morning Ritual

Yesterday afternoon I created a morning ritual which allowed me to begin practicing today.

I play a meditative music (Today: Kindred Spirit by Deuter)
I light an incense as an offering.
I light a candle.
I burn a palo santo incense.
I do a sun salutation pose and thank the universe for giving me another day.

I sit and close my eyes.
I do a mindful breathing. I thank my body.
I open my eyes, and I watch the smoke coming from the incense. It’s so beautiful. It is magical.

And I felt compassion for myself. For every inch of my body.