Being There for Yourself is Love in its Highest Form

Today, I recognize, give gratitude, and offer forgiveness to myself for the unpleasant experiences I had in the past.

About three weeks ago, I felt an energy from my external world trigger a space inside my body that I did not know exist. This space happen to contain some events from my childhood,teenage years, and adulthood that I lived in denial about. This space contains deep-rooted hurt, shame, guilt, resentment, and suppressed anger. This space contains the memories that I thought I have forgotten.

Although I was scared shitless and extremely anxious with this discovery, I allowed myself to look at the contents of this space. Slowly, I remembered as though the events were from yesterday. I allowed my head to show me the things that I hid from random periods of my life. I allowed my trapped emotions to come out in the surface and play. I let it run it’s course.

For two weeks, I met with different stories and emotions. I was sad like never before and I carried the rage of a violent person. I did not know how far it will take me to accept this but I knew to trust the process.

Eventually, I felt an understanding happen between my past and my present–that I may not be able to forget (or hide) these memories again, but I can forgive and keep moving on to my present. Whatever it was or wasn’t, whatever I did or did not do, I forgive myself.

The shift happened when I started looking at it as a great opportunity to be there for myself, to cradle my little child that needs nurturing and love, and to feel the rawness of a powerful emotion that is anger. I am given an opportunity to know and embrace another piece of me. This experience definitely gave me more confidence and trust in myself. It helps to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner. Our partnership creates such wonderful space for each other, a solid foundation that gives me the courage I need to go through my own process.

I continue to give myself the support and space that I need so I can heal and keep growing. I hope you do the same for you.

Being there for yourself is love in its highest form. I encourage you to always check in with yourself.

In my sitting meditation (alone time), I breath in and I breathe out and then I say to myself, “I am here for you. I love you and I forgive you.”

 

I Can Be Love

One of the wonderful reasons why I love being in a relationship is that it shows me a lot about who I am, most importantly who I’m being in the moment. My partner is my best mirror. When I practice being with my husband consciously, it is easy for me to see the part of me that I love and the part of me that I need to work on towards the goal of being whole again. When I am not completely present and I am with my “inner chatter”, I cannot see anything. I cannot fulfill my mission of being love because love cannot come in when I am not living in the present moment.

I cannot always stop myself from having upset thoughts. From time to time I get consumed and trapped with my emotions. Anger rises when I or someone has violated my standards. Disappointment is my response to a high expectation that wasn’t met. I get frustrated when I think that I am never going to accomplish a task, and this will be my life everyday–doing something that I am never going to finish. I go into a place of shame and believe that I am an evil person. I think I am unworthy and I choose to just say I am lazy, and I give up. I feel hopeless when things are not going my way or when all the odds are against me, and then everything just becomes meaningless. I get impatient and I go into a place of self-importance. I allow fear to reign whenever I am avoiding an issue, or have an exaggerated view of something that I dread to co-exist with. These are examples of how I could create a great distance and separation from the person that I am practicing to become.

I recently learned an awareness technique from reading this book called, You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh that I would like to share in this post:

“A strong emotion is like a storm. If you look at a tree in a storm, the top of the tree seems fragile, like it might break at any moment. You are afraid the storm might uproot the tree. But if you turn your attention to the trunk of the tree, you realize that it’s roots are deeply anchored in the ground, and you see that the tree will be able to hold. You are a tree. During a storm of emotion, you should not stay at the level of the head or the heart, which are like the top of the tree. You have to leave the heart, the eye of the storm, and come back to the trunk of the tree. Your trunk is one centimeter below your navel. Focus there paying attention only to the movement of your abdomen, and continue to breathe. Then you will survive the storm of strong emotion.”

This awareness technique has helped me tremendously with my internal battles. I realized that most of the time, whatever upsets that I am going through, that that’s really not what’s going on. That I am okay and in one piece. Breathing. Alive. I can choose to be awake throughout the process of each event in my life. In practicing this technique I recommend that you go to a quiet place where you can be comfortable in laying down with your eyes closed.

1. Breathe in, breathe out.
2. Once you are comfortable just being with your breath, drop your awareness down to your belly (one centimeter below your navel) and continue to do this for at least 15 minutes.
3. Slowly come back to your awareness (you will know when it’s time because it doesn’t feel as foggy or as heavy as when you first lay down).
4. Once you are standing straight, take some deep breath and repeat it 3 times.
5. Make a warm cup of your favorite caffeine-free tea. This will help regulate the calmness that you now feel in your body. Chamomile or Peppermint tea from Traditional Medicinals brand are my favorite.

When the storm of strong upset has moved away and all is calm, I can now revisit what happened. When I do this, I am aware that I can easily fall into a place of regret and think shamefully, why did I do this? Why did I feel that way? Why did I allow myself to feel and be that way? This happened on my first attempt to revisit an event. On my second attempt, I knew what I had to do. I have to cut myself some slack and be more compassionate towards my inner self. By doing this, I felt free and nurtured. Above all, I am most grateful for the presence of self-forgiveness that I felt in this event. With this practice I am allowing myself to embrace all of me. The part of me that I love, and the part of me that needs to be loved.

As much as I’d like to avoid these instances from happening, I’m learning how to just let them happen. It’s only when I let things be that I truly see what they are revealing to me and I can use these revelations as tools in life to guide me home to the wholeness of my heart.

The Gift of Silence

Silence is the gift I prayed to receive when I first started practicing meditations, and it was given to me. I am now able to go to a quiet place inside of me where I can rest peacefully and be in that space when I make decisions.

I remember lots of times when I would just find myself in a situation that I don’t want to be in, simply because I couldn’t show up for myself to make the decisions coupled with my lack of imagination. I was on autopilot. It was not very peaceful inside me, as though there always seem to be a need for battle and in the end I am left feeling stuck. I couldn’t go any deeper with any of my relationships. Everything was kept in a very superficial level.

I look back and I see the contrast between my life then and now. And I discovered that it is all about how I am being. It’s like a switch inside our body that can be flipped.

Once without awareness, I questioned each and every step, how did I get here? Now with meditation as my guide in life, I am learning to be present in each step, with each breath.

Corpse Pose

I enjoy practicing a harmonious blend of Hatha and Kundalini yoga almost everyday now. Yoga is blissful. It allows me to capture a peaceful clarity of my being during and after practice. I realized that this is how I’m going to thank my body everyday, set aside a time to sit, pose, breathe, and in the end, a deep relaxation.

Deep relaxation is my favorite. I do a “Corpse pose” where I lay flat on my back, I inhale and exhale gently through the nose while consciously relaxing every part of my body, beginning with the feet to the face until my body feels as if it is sinking to the floor.

As I relax, I become aware of the tensions that I hold in my body, my discomforts, my thoughts, feelings, and other mental chatters. The real practice begins here. It is the practice of not giving these tensions, feelings, or thoughts any extra attention while at the same time actively allowing the mind and body to continue to release them until we reach an inner space of no resistance.

This is the focus of my inner work right now. To let go in that moment. To hold space for myself while in corpse pose. Whenever my mind begins to wander, I do a mindful breathing (a practice that I learned from the Thich Nhat Hanh book called, You Are Here):

Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.

I practice deep relaxation for 15 to 20 minutes a day after I connect with my body. I am very grateful for the gift of yoga and the bliss I experience when practicing. I recommend this to all us troopers of our own kingdom, this is a step towards peace.

With much love,
D

Morning Ritual

Yesterday afternoon I created a morning ritual which allowed me to begin practicing today.

I play a meditative music (Today: Kindred Spirit by Deuter)
I light an incense as an offering.
I light a candle.
I burn a palo santo incense.
I do a sun salutation pose and thank the universe for giving me another day.

I sit and close my eyes.
I do a mindful breathing. I thank my body.
I open my eyes, and I watch the smoke coming from the incense. It’s so beautiful. It is magical.

And I felt compassion for myself. For every inch of my body.