The Calling

I’ve been so quiet.

What’s quiet is that voice inside my head that tells me I am not serving my purpose on this planet…the voice that every now and then nags a little bit and says, “wakee wakeeee….what on Earth are you doing with your life?!”

I hated that voice for a while just because I would think that it’s some sort of a reminder that I am not good enough or that I am not doing a good enough job as a housewife. I decided that if it’s not trying to show me what I want to see, or tell me what I want to hear, I should ignore it in whatever disguise it comes as.

Ignoring it was my resistance to seeing what my spirit is trying to show me and I go back to cocooning myself in my little piece of Neverland.

In Neverland, I am a wanderer. I am with my love and we are running together in the wilderness as wildlings, chasing the sun…we dive in to the deepest rivers of the forest…we eat the freshest fruits from the most ancient trees…we lay side by side as man and wife…and our children are running around free and happy in the shelter that we created for our family…we can all fly…we play with the stars at night…when we are tired, the moon watches over us as we gently let out our snores…with the air that fills our lungs as life’s greatest gift.

Perhaps this will happen in another lifetime or perhaps in this lifetime if the opportunity presents itself.

In Realityland, I am content to embracing what I have now. I live in a nice apartment with my love, my worries seem to revolve around creativity in the kitchen and chores, does he like my cooking? do I like my cooking? do I need to do laundry now or can I put it off for another day or two? why is there too much traffic when it’s not even rush hour? there’s a long line in front of my favorite restaurant! and of course, I worry about not having things to say on my private writings, why am I so empty? You know, self-entitlement stuff and other concerns. I realize that these are good problems to have. My love has given me the gift of time. And with that I am very grateful.

In between my Neverland fantasies and my reality, I couldn’t ask for a better life.

The desire to have things differently, to have more, or to do more, all seem to be constants, and it will always be floating in the horizon of our imagination. Like every other living being, my greatest desire is to thrive with you, to partake, to contribute, to help end our differences.

When I am at peace, there is no nagging or battling inside my head. Everything is an opportunity. From this place I can focus on paying attention to where my heart and soul is guiding me…from this relaxed place, taking action is much easier than when I am trying to reason and resist every step of the way. When my inner child is pacified, my adult self feels free to grow into the direction I am being pointed to so that I can open up an opportunity for myself.

And so my path has led me to applying for this coming winter semester at a university here in Los Angeles. I am going back to school to take up some units that I need in order to be a step closer to my calling…along with other tests and requirements that I need to pass.

To thrive, I will have to be healthy. To get to where I want to be, the tasks will be easier with a clear head. Relaxation, proper nurturing of the self, and lots and lots of loving! So for the next chapter of my life until the very end, I plan on taking good care of my body, mind, heart, & soul (…just like everything else, they need to be fed accordingly to survive and flourish…LISTEN)

Cheers to the next phase!

Let It Be: Breaking-free From Expectations

We are always in transition. If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.
-Trungpa Rinpoche

Over the past week, I’ve been observing my own process of letting go of the expectations that I have of myself and everything else around me.

I remember the moment when I decided to begin the journey of seeking my spirit, I was really excited to break free from the routine of having to be somewhere for 8 hours. I created a line-up of the things that I have “expected” to get into which for the last 3 months has kept me occupied. I’ve always had an attitude of creating challenges in my path and of doing things just for the sake of entertaining the part of me that fears to be empty.

I go into cycles of disappointment and redemption doing these things, these so-called challenges that I have put up for myself. In my head I already have expectations of doing so well, that everything I do will be perfect. I get hurt when it doesn’t turn out the way I expected things to be or when things are not done in a specific way a.k.a “my way”.

I started feeling how my expectations are beginning to suck the joy out of me. I am becoming the victim of my actions. I was trapped in my own trap of expectations. Everything was getting so shaky. I fear being empty. I fear not doing anything. I fear not knowing. At the same time, I was also beginning to fear that I am once again doing things that I don’t want to do.

It was in a recent conversation with my husband, Scott, that opened my eyes to the truth that I am using my imagination to get stuck instead of using it to create possibilities. I can turn things around by using the imagination in a way that benefits my well-being, TO CREATE POSSIBILITES.

It is so easy to create our own suffering, it is so easy to cause our own pain.

The things that we run in our imagination doesn’t turn out the same version as it is in our reality. This will always be the truth. Reality is its own version. Reality is the course of the present moment,

In healing myself from this experience, I must always remind myself that,

I am choosing to let go of my fears, first by no longer masking them,

I am embracing my fears by trusting my experience of the present moment,

I am allowing the journey to take me where I need to be,

I take responsibility of my well-being,

I express,

I enjoy,

I stop when it’s no longer fun,

I am fully trusting myself,

I am bestowing loving kindness upon myself by being very honest with everything,

I am practicing compassion, compassion, compassion towards myself and all beings around me, especially in annoying situations.

I see my being as open-ended,

I am loving and respecting myself by accepting and embracing who I am right now.